i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
