It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
