the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
