I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
