fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
