also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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