please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
