Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I lost the right to judge tonight
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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