So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
