Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
