Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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