Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
