Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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