this beer tastes like vomit already
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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