I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
