i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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