she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize