Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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