Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
