you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
