Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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