just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm drive I can fine osifer
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
