the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
