i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
