Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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