I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I AM VODKA MAN
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
