Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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