I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
