i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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