Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
