Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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