she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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