The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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