i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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