Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
