On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
