i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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