The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
