Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I want a musical about memes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
