They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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