The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I faked an abortion last night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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