i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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