so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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