Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
