Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
