Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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