i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
