There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
