All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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