Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
