your room smells of hookers.
And success
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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