two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
