why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
