if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
