Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
