Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
