At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
